I never had to try so hard.

“Holy shit!! I forgot about these!”

I thought, picking up my old business cards that I had found in storage from when I was a personal trainer with silver hair.

I place them down in the ever-growing pile around me and realize just how much there is.

Just how much life I’d lived.

There are transit cards from Melbourne, Auckland, Sydney, Vancouver, New York, and Toronto. There are memorabilia and plane tickets from my trip to Wellington NZ to see the Weta Cave, and pamphlets from my visit to Hobbiton. There are heels and sign-in sheets from when I used to pole dance. Business cards from being a personal trainer. Certifications for group fitness training. Scripts from acting classes. Drumsticks and a practice pad from my years as a drummer and percussionist. An entire bin dedicated to drawings and sketchbooks from my time as an artist…

And that’s when it hit me.

That I’ve actually lived a lot of life and done a lot of shit!!

And my eyes started welling up with tears.

I never had to try so hard. 

Do you have that narrative too?

Because it was maybe TWO days ago that I had been thinking, “I haven’t done enough. What do I even have to show for this? I’ve wasted so much time. I’m not where I want to be. Why can’t I get this right?”

And it hit me, looking at all of the memorabilia from the places and life that I had lived - that I never had to try so hard, or be so hard on myself.

Because I was.

I was insanely hard on myself.

For giving up. Quitting. Not “sticking it out” to be "successful enough", or “seeing things through”.

(I recently realized I likely have ADHD, which likely played into all of this - but that’s a whole other kettle of fish.)

And as I looked at the pile surrounding me, I saw her.

The girl who wasn’t ever enough.

Never significant enough.

Interesting enough.

Bold enough.

Who had to prove that she mattered, and hustle for her worth, to try to be big enough, epic enough to matter and be significant.

And my heart broke.

Because none of it was required.

I never had to try so hard.

I didn’t have to try to out-do myself, or take bigger risks to try to be significant to other people, or have people be impressed for me to matter…

I just needed to be myself. 

And I’m crying as I write this, because while I’ve had so many incredible experiences that I wouldn’t take back for the world - it was also a painful, stressful time.

Because I couldn’t let up.

I couldn’t wobble.

Couldn’t stop smiling.

Couldn’t show when I was hurting or scared.

"Scared and in tears?

That’s not very freaking epic, is it?"

And seeing it all laid out before me, the evidence of just how hard I was trying, that this past version of myself truly believed she had to work that hard to be worth anything at all - broke my heart open.

Because I never did. I never had to try so hard…But I couldn’t see it at the time.

I was too busy striving. 

So I held her.

I cried with her.

This sweet, tender part of myself who only ever wanted to matter to somebody. To be important to them. To be placed first, as a priority. To be considered worthy of the time and attention.

And as I held her, this part of me, it was without condition, and I said to her,

“You don’t have to fight for it anymore, sweetheart. 

You can relax.

You never had to try so hard, baby.

You were already more worthy and beautiful than you could ever know.

I’ve got you now.

You can rest.

You’re safe.”

Cue more tears.

And then I felt a part of me relax and start to loosen the grip on the story that I had held onto for so long - that I needed to hustle and prove myself to be worth anything. To matter to people. To have any kind of significance

It softened.

Laid down its sword.

And curled up to rest.

It has been interesting navigating my life without this push to strive and prove my "enoughness", even just to myself.

That I can simply be.

And let that be enough.

---

Now, what I want to hear from you:

Where have you had to hustle for your worth? Prove that you were enough?

Has it ever been enough?

What stories and ways of being have you carried that are no longer serving you?

What does this part of you need to hear?

I invite you to journal on these questions, ponder them, sit with them, and let them roll around in your consciousness.

If it feels nourishing, and you’d like to be heard, I’d love to read your share in the comments. :)

Be brave, Dear One.

You’re more loved than you know.

With BIG love and Reiki,

xx

Kate